NY Wants You to Stop Having Sex in Person, Murdering Police Is Ok Though

We’re not going to lie to you here. We don’t exactly have a take on this topic. It’s just hilarious. That’s why we are sharing it with you. We’re living in a time when laughs are hard to come by and stories like this one are sure to make you chuckle. We grew up in New York and we are here to tell you that their latest social distancing guidelines are absolutely ludicrous.

New York residents are now being told that they should not have sex unless there is a wall between them and their partner. There are holes in New York City apartments but they are typically only there because rodents have chewed through the walls. These are not holes that you would want to stick anything into.

The proprietors of “glory hole” establishments are probably rejoicing at the news, though. Are glory holes still a thing? We’re a bit behind the times when it comes to these sorts of things. Mayor de Blasio deserves to be given a hard time for his mishandling of the COVID-19 pandemic. He sat on his hands and waited way too long to start instituting lockdowns. This just might be his funniest failure yet, though.

Maybe he was unable to come up with a good plan for the city because he was more concerned with coming up with bizarre guidelines to police everyone’s private lives. There’s a deadly plague sweeping the streets of New York City but de Blasio is far more concerned about people’s ability to do the no pants dance. It’s gallows humor, for sure, but we cannot stop laughing at this edict.

There’s even talk about being creative with “sexual positions”. We cannot wait to hear from the people who are such sticklers that they are willing to have sex with a doorway strategically placed between them. Instead of contacting a special friend to come over and spend the night, you can now let them know that they will need to use the mail slot.

All jokes aside, de Blasio has absolutely lost his mind. The idea that a mayor would spend his time issuing sexual guidelines during a pandemic is too deranged to wrap our own fragile minds around. If you live in New York City and you are looking to enjoy that special moment with your significant other, you are going to need to grab a six foot piece of cardboard. Cut the necessary holes, so that the mayor does not come after you.

The logistics are going to be tough but we have the utmost faith in you. Switching gears, we are sure that this rule is truly being directed at those who indulge in certain activities when they are in public settings. We are not here to judge, it is merely an observation. New York City is offering more guidelines to anyone who is looking to have an orgy any time in the near future as well.

They want people who are having group sex (because who isn’t?) to make sure that they are choosing consistent partners. We are not quite sure how that is supposed to work. The orgy community is probably already way ahead of the game here. They are supposed to be wearing facial coverings and avoiding any kissing while they are doing the deed.

This is motivating us to keep wearing our masks in the meantime, though. We are about a week out from Mayor de Blasio issuing guidelines on how to establish and maintain a glory home in the comfort of your own home. Please, let’s all wear our masks and keep the social distancing going before we have to read any more of this insanity.

Mind you, this is the same mayor who was acting psyched about the massive protests that were taking place in his city just last week. We are not out of the woods yet and it would be nice to have a mayor who realizes that. That’s the least that we can hope for at this point.